The first night

Without you, I fell asleep for an hour and had a dream with you in it. It felt so real. It was sad and scary. I forced myself to wake up because it was making me tremble. I opened my eyes, but the reality is even worse.

I told you once that I would never give up hope for us. However, compared to all other bumps in our too short road, I know this time I cannot say or do anything that will bring you back to me. Don't think I wouldn’t try it all.

I tried so hard to make you want the same things I wanted. I didn't mean to force you, change you, or make you lose yourself. I just thought you would grow to appreciate stability and unconditional love.

Literally out of nowhere, in a time where I am still struggling, my world crashed. I hope that daylight will bring me peace and the ability to accept this new path.

I have mourned the loss of both of my parents, all of my grandparents, and many of the best furry companions. I struggled with the grief because death is final. At the same time, I accepted my life without all of them in it because nothing could ever change the outcome. I learned to move on without seeing them while always feeling them in my heart and by my side.

Mourning the loss of an amazing girlfriend is different because I will always wonder if you might come back to me, miss me, or wish you had decided differently. I will always look for you and be nervous that our paths might cross. I will forever wonder what you are doing, how you are doing, and whether you have found the love of your life–that part is probably more excruciating than anything I have ever felt before.

I always tried to picture life in the future, with you of course. I tried to picture us together in Switzerland, specifically Romanshorn. Or on vacation in Hawaii. What could our next house look like? Would we finally get Telly a doggy buddy? I imagined myself getting in the best shape of my life–I am kind of pissed that I re-registered for kickboxing, by the way, because it is only fun if I go with you. I thought about my next career move where I could proudly take you as my plus one to all events. I thought about Maria being proud to have introduced us when she finally found out.

I tried even harder to imagine growing old together, but I could never do it, just like you couldn’t. Somehow it was always in my heart that my dream world with you was on borrowed time. Enjoy it while I’ve got it. I have had the time of my life. What adventures I have had with you! I want you to view our time the same way, but I know you have had greater adventures and wilder times without me. Going forward you will get back on track to live on the edge and live freer than you could with me dragging you down.

I wanted to enrich your life, give you the deepest love, and be your most favorite human. I am so afraid of moving forward and losing myself without you like you lost yourself with me. When I end this text, will 2.0 be a thing of the past or will I be ready for 2.1? In fact, I just decided on my next tattoo.